The State of Things #4 | When to ignore your parent's advice
The State of Things #4 | August 2023
Introduction
The State of Things is a monthly blog post where I talk about how my life is going partially through a business lens and partially through a whatever the hell I want lens.
The purpose of this series is to keep myself accountable on my journey toward financial independence by making a steady stream of income outside of my day job. These blog posts have the same goal - accountability. My last post in this series was The State of Things #3 | New passions & a new house.
Concept 1: When you shouldn’t listen to your parents’ advice
The purpose of this blog section is twofold. First, I’m going to tell you about one of the biggest lifelong mistakes I made starting from when I was a child - listening to advice from people who weren’t living the advice they gave. And then two, I’ll tell you what I should have done instead of my mistake. From when I was 11 years old up to when I turned 22 I listened to my parents’ advice on how to achieve happiness, even though neither of them were happy people themselves. Its one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.
The backstory.
So I grew up as a lonely but goody-two shoes kid with a small network of adults in my life. I didn’t have any role models outside of my parents and my teachers at public school. No aunts or uncles, community, sports, or church leaders - just me, my mom, my dad, and my one teacher that I had in grade school at the time.
Despite the clothes on my body and the roof over my head - I struggled to find happiness in my regular life. There was nothing I wanted more than to be happy, so, naturally, I went to my parents for advice. “Mom, Dad - how can I be happy?” The answer was always this: “Work hard and happiness will come to you when you’re older.” So I did. I worked my ass off. I worked hard throughout middle school and I wasn’t happy. So, when I got to high school I asked them the same thing: “Mom, Dad I’m still not happy - when will happiness come?” And they said the same thing: “If you work hard, you will be happy when you’re older” “You will have time to be happy once you’ve gotten into a good college” or “You will have time to be happy once you’ve gotten a stable job.”
And you know what - I believed them in a strange and twisted way. I found a way to justify their advice in my head. I though - maybe living here in their house is making me miserable (and it was), and so when I go to college and live on my own, then I’ll finally be happy. And guess what? I got into a good college, I became and adult, and I got a good job, and I still wasn’t happy. I’d go so far as to say I was even more than I was miserable before.
Never once did I stop to think - are the people I’m asking this question living a life of happiness? Are the people I am looking to for advice living the life that I want to live? (Are they living the life they want to live?) And in all cases, the answer was no.
The moral of the story
The moral of the story is this: don’t listen to advice from people who aren’t living the life you want to live. Even if, and especially if they are your parents. Go to different outside sources for advice (more explained below). The internet is full of great resources, role models, books, articles, documentaries, and interviews for people who have “made it” - whatever their definition to success. Find and seek out advice from true experts, not just the people in your immediate or extended family. Some of the best advice you can get will come from asking people - total strangers at times - who have just undergone what you are about to do about their experience, struggles, and what they learned on their journey. Don’t listen to advice from people who haven’t experienced what you are about to undergo firsthand.
In my example, I took my miserable self and asked my miserable parents how to be happy. They gave me their answer as parents so, and I blindly followed their advice. My parents did not know what happiness was. And although they were well intentioned in guiding me towards their definition of a happy life, in hindsight I should have only sought advice from happy people or at least people whose life I also wanted to live.
Lets look at another example. Say your parents are great carpenters but they have an incredibly rocky marriage that regularly destroys you and your siblings. Sure - go to them advice about how to make a chair - because they are living a life where they are great at their carpentry craft. BUT when you have questions about how to communicate or resolve conflict with your marriage partner, don’t take the advice they give you as gospel. While you can still listen to your parents and respect them, take what they say with a huge grain of salt AND seek the advice of people both inside and outside of your culture/community/circle/creed who have a steady marriage both openly and behind closed doors.
Where can I get the advice I need?
First hand sources are your best friend - real life human beings who are living the life you want to live. If you are shy, live in a remote area, or hell, just don’t know where to start - books are your second best friend. Reddit posts written by real people come third (this is a mixed bag… some people on Reddit really don’t know what the hell they’re talking about but its good if you want a bunch of different perspectives). Fourth, fifth, and fifth place go to YouTube videos, IRL classes, and podcasts.
The reason I like books better than free content like social media, etc. Is that with a book, you have already bought the content they are selling you. Take a free YouTube video for example, a business YouTuber is not making a living off of just making YouTube videos. YT is an avenue for them to reach a wider audience to sell whatever their actual end product it - merch, a course, etc. The book won’t leave you on a cliff hanger like a YouTube video (ex. “Learn more by buying my $250 online course…).
Find your first advice read by using Google or Goodreads. I’ve found some of the best advice of my life by reading books on Goodread’s list of top self-help books.
Takeaways
Read/listen to multiple sources on the answers to your philosophical questions
Some lessons will be learned the hard way. The times are always changing, you will need to take control of your own journey.
There is no perfect formula or path for you to find follow to find what you seek (happiness, money, belonging etc.)
Seek out the advice you need from reputable sources, don’t always expect it to fall into your lap easily
Aside
Now that I’m writing all of this advice out - its seems super obvious. ‘DOn’T LiStEn tO the advice of pEoPLe wHo DoN’t kNoW wHaT tHe HeLL tHey’Re tAlkInG AbOut” - like yes, duh. However, this advice didn’t come naturally to me, so I figured it would be good to put it in words for others who might share my experience.
Concept 1.5: When will I be happy?
I didn’t feel right just leaving the solution one of my life’s deepest problems out of this article. While I’m no expert on happiness - here are some positive lessons I learned on the topic “when will I finally be happy?” throughout my life. I’m excited to say that, yes, I would consider myself a happy person so I hope this advice can help you even just a little to bring happiness back into your life.
Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.
This lesson was a hard pill for me to swallow. You will not be happy “once you have achieved X goal” or “when you have X product” or when “you finally have X relationship (ex. a boyfriend, wife, partner, child, pet, etc.). There will always be challenges that you have to face in life. There will always be more work that needs to get done. There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. Choose to find little sparks of joy wherever you can, everyday and in everything you do (and I know that this can sound condescending to some) - but trust me this shit works.
The lesson is this: let go of waiting for happiness. Happiness is in the little things all around you. And yes, in the form of a stable and high salary, money does buy happiness.
Be like water.
Gonna rapid fire off some of these points… this article has gotten way too long already lol.
“Like water flowing off of a duck’s back”. Let negative comments and vibes bounce off of you.
Choose to be the water instead of the rock. Do not let insults hardship ruin you and run you down, instead let it flow around you like water.
In other words: Don’t take anything personally. EVER.
Forgive and forget.
Cut poisonous people out of your life.
Don’t do things with the expectation that they will return the favor. Which can also mean: don’t keep score.
Since the last The State-of-Things
Holy shit this article was a long one - thanks for sticking around until the end! If you liked the content you read, please subscribe to my weekly newsletter. Subscribe | Arquebun Weekly (beehiiv.com)
July 4, 2023 → August 29, 2023 (8 weeks)
🪶 6 new blog posts Nicole’s Website (heliablog.com)
👯 3 new friend(s)
💵 $0 made (outside my day job)
Tasks
[ ] Try using substack or beehiiv to host my blog instead - so it can get some search engine traffic
[ ] Start using tumblr again
[ ] Make 1 short form video