An asexual’s non-religious guide to alternative living arrangements
The nuclear family has failed me and so many others… what other ways are there to live that don’t involved getting married
I’ve come to terms with being asexual. Sexual contact repulses me. I hate the nuclear family structure, because it is isolating and counter productive to human community and happiness. I’m interested in the lifestyle of monks/nuns, but I’m not interested in their religions (unfortunately). In this blog post, I’m going to explore alternative living arrangements to the nuclear family or monogamous relationship (2 people in a sexual relationship, living together) through the lens of someone who is asexual.
In this post:
What are the different types of intentional community.
An exploration of the most relevant intentional communities.
Other options for asexuals besides intentional community.
Which community types resonated with me the most and my takeaways
Constraints
I am not rich. When I was doing some research on forums for “non-secular community” a few people suggest that you buy property like land, a large house, or an apartment complex and make your own community. Yes, I would love that. However. I make an average salary, and I can’t wait until the day I’m rich (that will never come) to find community. I’m exploring what I can do right now, and I think you should to.
Preferred location is to live in the United States. I’d be open to moving to another country if its really, really worth it. The main barrier to me is language and culture. I really, really enjoyed my trip to Barcelona, Spain. The walkability, local food, architecture, and culture were incredible. However, I soon got sick of eating Spanish and Italian food and found it difficult to find other types of restaurants. Especially Asian ones. I love my Asian food and groceries, so its important to me to have access to different cultures of food. In my experience, the easiest way to do this is by living in a melting pot country like the United States or Canada.
What is Intentional Community?
An intentional community is a purposefully constructed residential community where members work towards maintaining a strong social cohesion and collaboration. The individuals in these communities usually share a common vision, be it social, political, religious, or spiritual, and distribute responsibilities and sometimes property among themselves. This type of living arrangement is sometimes referred to as an "alternative lifestyle" or a social or communal experiment.
Calling intentional community and experiment or alternative sounds odd to my ears. Isn’t the point of a human society to work together toward the common good of the group. Why is that considered alternative or experimental to do in the 21st century, especially at the small scale of a family or community. I could go on and rant more, but thats not the point of this blog post. So instead, lets move on to some vocabulary you should know about intentional community.
Non-Secular Monastery or Convent
A monastery is a building or complex of buildings comprising the domestic quarters and workplaces of monks or nuns, whether living in communities or alone as hermits. A monastery complex typically comprises a number of buildings which include a church, dormitory, cloister, refectory, library, balneary and infirmary, and outlying granges.
Depending on the location, the monastic order, and the occupation of its inhabitants, the complex may also include a wide range of buildings that facilitate self-sufficiency and service to the community. These may include a hospice, a school, and a range of agricultural and manufacturing buildings such as a barn, a forge, or a brewery.
Non-secular examples
Sisters of the Valley. The Sisters of the Valley have all the faith and dedication of any other nuns, but no connection to the Catholic church. Instead, their lifelong devotion is to cannabis. They spend their days growing it, smoking it and raising awareness about its healing powers.
Buddist Monastery or Zen Center. There are active training temples and monasteries that welcome live-ins around the world. While living at a Buddist Monastery or Zen Center, you would train in meditation to become a monk. More information: r/Buddhism (reddit.com)
Quakers. The Quaker faith has deep Christian roots. Most Quakers consider themselves Christians, some do not.
Testimony Via Reddit:
I lived in a Quaker-run intentional community in Boston that was a really good experience. You share a bathroom and the kitchen. However, there is staff, so it's hierarchical. You do not have to be a Quaker to live there but there is a Quaker meeting that meets inside the house every Sunday morning. While it's relatively cheap to live there (several years ago, it was about $1000/mo including meals and electricity/water/heat), you would need some sort of income or have to work a job if you don't have that money.
Co-Housing
Co-housing is an intentional community of private homes clustered around shared space. The term originated in Denmark in the late 1960s. Each attached or single-family home has traditional amenities, including a private kitchen. Shared spaces typically feature a common house, which may include a large kitchen and dining area, laundry, and recreational spaces. Shared outdoor space may include parking, walkways, open space, and gardens. Neighbors also share resources like tools and lawnmowers.
Households have independent incomes and private lives, but neighbors collaboratively plan and manage community activities and shared spaces. The legal structure is typically a homeowner association or housing cooperative. Community activities feature regularly scheduled shared meals, meetings, and workdays. Neighbors gather for parties, games, movies, or other events. Cohousing makes it easy to form clubs, organize child and elder care, and carpool.
Cohousing facilitates interaction among neighbors and thereby provides social, practical, economic, and environmental benefits.
Testimonials
Testimonial 1: Reddit user living in the Netherlands
I actually live in a place like this. We all have our own apartments including bathroom and kitchen, and we share many common spaces like laundry rooms, lounge rooms with kitchen, a workshop, arts and crafts room, sauna, spare bedrooms for when you have guests staying over and a couple more. In our neighborhood we are probably seen as a bunch of hippies :) and some of my neighbors I'd definitely call hippies but we're definitely not cult-y. Everything is decided democratically and a chairman is elected every couple years. It's not always easy and simple because taking decisions for example can take a long time, but in the end I really like living here because you know everyone and you can always ask for help.
Testimonial 2: The downsides of co-housing
Honestly unless it's a group of folks who know each other really well for quite a while, it's hard not to become a little culty.
My friends cohousing group did everything with the best intentions, democratically deciding rules, fairly splitting chores, etc. and it still took less than 6 months for some folks to start becoming controlling over food choices and how others acted and ate even outside the community house.
There's a reason family groups are so much more common than random folks with similar politics and ethos living together. I feel like co-housing communities are best done with long term friend groups with similar goals (like raising children, farming, livestock, etc) moreso than identical ethics on living.
Co-Living
Coliving is a modern form of communal living in which three or more residents living in the same dwelling unit get a private bedroom in a furnished home with shared common areas. People living in this house are not typically biologically related. Co-living is basically like having roommates but with more intention to work together and share responsibility.
Coliving is popular in major cities as a means of affordable living for students, workers, digital nomads, or individuals relocating. Unlike the traditional apartment lifestyle, coliving is attractive to tenants due to affordability, flexibility, included amenities, and a sense of community.
Co-living as a modern concept traces its origins to shared living models of the 19th and 20th centuries such as tenements in the UK, boarding houses in the US, and chawls in western India, yet ancient forms of communal living such as the longhouse date back thousands of years. Its contemporary form has gained prominence in recent years due to a combination of factors including increased urbanization rates, a lack of affordable housing options, greater rates of disability requiring group home or assisted living arrangements, and a growing interest in lifestyles not dependent upon long-term contracts.
Downsides: Less privacy and conflicts with other occupants stemming from differences in lifestyles. Additionally, some co-living spaces may have limited common areas or amenities, leading to competition for and contention over communal resources.
Commune
Wikipedia describes communes another way of saying “intentional communities”, but we’re not going to follow that definition. Here, I’m going to define commune here as a community where individuals come together to share resources, responsibilities, and often a common vision or set of values, typically on a shared space or land. Key phrase here being sharing resources.
Communal living is characterized by collective decision-making, shared ownership or management of property, and a commitment to cooperation, mutual support, and sustainability. Here's a detailed look at what it means to live in a commune:
Shared Resources: In a commune, residents typically share living spaces, such as housing units or dormitories, as well as common facilities like kitchens, bathrooms, and recreational areas. Additionally, resources such as food, utilities, transportation, and sometimes income may be shared among members to reduce costs and promote equitable access to essentials.
Collective Decision-Making: Communal living often involves democratic governance structures where residents have a voice in community decisions. This may include participating in meetings, committees, or consensus-based decision-making processes to address issues related to community policies, finances, activities, and shared responsibilities
Testimonial 1: 2nd hand view of commune life
My friend's parents lived on a commune previously. They all had different chores like gardening, cooking dinner, baking bread, cleaning, and so on. I think she said it was either a rotating basis or people chose assigned tasks. But there wasn't a leader, it was collective decision making. Eventually they left when it was time to have children and they wanted more private spaces.
Experimental Towns/Developments
An experimental town is a planned community that was carefully designed from its inception and is typically constructed in a previously undeveloped area. These towns are built with the intention create communities that solve some sort of problem with modern society or infrastructure at the time they were conceived. There have been many experimental towns built throughout human civilization, but here are two that were consistently mentioned in my research on intentional community.
Arcosanti (Arizona, USA est. 1970). Arcosanti is an experimental town with a bronze bell casting business in central Arizona, United States. It is 70 mi north of Phoenix, at an elevation of 3,732 feet. Its arcology concept was proposed by Italian-American architect Paolo Soleri. Today, the population of Arcosanti is around 80 people.
Auroville (India est. 1968). Auroville is an experimental township in Viluppuram district, mostly in the state of Tamil Nadu, India, with some parts in the Union Territory of Pondicherry. It was founded in 1968 by Mirra Alfassa (who some sources describe as an occultist) and designed by architect Roger Anger. It's a city established for individuals from anywhere in the globe who wish to live in serenity and advanced unity, regardless of their moralities, political stances, or nationalities. Today, its population is around 2,800.
Mixed Use Development
Mixed use is a type of urban development, urban design, urban planning and/or a zoning classification that blends multiple uses, such as residential, commercial, cultural, institutional, or entertainment. Traditionally, human settlements have developed in mixed-use patterns.
In the United States, the practice of zoning for single-family residential use was instigated to safeguard communities from negative externalities, including air, noise, and light pollution, associated with heavier industrial practices. These zones were also constructed to alleviate racial and class tensions
However, with industrialization, governmental zoning regulations were introduced to separate different functions, such as manufacturing, from residential areas. Public health concerns and the protection of property values stood as the motivation behind this separation.
Culdesac (Arizona, USA est. 2021). Culdesac Tempe features zero residential parking on a 16-acre infill site next to a light rail station. The neighborhood is car-free, which is unheard of in the United States. The neighborhood will be 100% rental. According to their website, the layout is meant to be similar in character to a Greek, Italian, or French historic village with irregular, narrow meandering paseos, and a hierarchy of public spaces
EcoVillage
Ecovillages are intentional communities designed to be sustainable across the social, cultural, economic, and ecological spheres. Ecovillages feature small communities that leave a minimal or regenerative ecological footprint. Typically, their populations range from 50 to 250 people, although some are smaller and traditional ecovillages can be much larger. There are currently over 10,000 ecovillages globally.
traditional – existing rural villages and communities that decide to design their own pathway into the future, using participatory processes to combine life-sustaining traditional wisdom and positive new innovation.
intentional – created by people who come together afresh with a shared purpose or vision.
EcoVillage Examples
Rachel Carson EcoVillage (Pennsylvania, USA) If you have the means to get a mortgage, check this out. The Rachel Carson EcoVillage has founding members that include educators, engineers, artists, and other creators and professionals. To date, the group is comprised of families, singles of all ages, and couples.
Findhorn EcoVillage (Scotland) Findhorn Foundation | Spiritual Community | Ecovillage
Dancing Rabbit EcoVillage. We are not income sharing, meaning that everyone is responsible for their own finances. That removes a lot of the power dynamics you are worried about. But we do share a lot and have a number of optional cooperative groups. It's a small group overall (<50) and we have a unique culture.
Interesting Secular Arrangements
I said at the beginning of this article that this is a non-secular guide to living arrangements. However, there are quite a few different religions with interesting intentional community living that I wanted to make a note of here so we can learn from the way they live.
Kibbutzim - is an intentional community in Israel that was traditionally based on agriculture. The first kibbutz, established in 1910, was Degania. Today, farming has been partly supplanted by other economic branches, including industrial plants and high-tech enterprises. Kibbutzim began as utopian communities, a combination of socialism and Zionism. In recent decades, some kibbutzim have been privatized and changes have been made in the communal lifestyle. A member of a kibbutz is called a kibbutznik.
Hutterites - The Bruderhof movement. It's Christian though, but not a cult. Religion is an element because they have been a thing for over 100 years (without scandal). They share everything, live simply, and are non-hierarchical. Today, almost all Hutterites live in Western Canada and the upper Great Plains of the United States. The difference between the Amish and the Hutterites is the Amish live in a community but own private property, while the Hutterites live communally and do not own private property. Hutterites are also more open to the use of technology than the Amish; Hutterites utilize industrial farming practices.
Ashrams - An ashram is a spiritual hermitage or a monastery in Indian religions. An ashram would traditionally be located far from human habitation, in forests or mountainous regions, amidst refreshing natural surroundings conducive to spiritual instruction and meditation. The residents of an ashram regularly performed spiritual and physical exercises, such as the various forms of yoga. Sometimes, the goal of a pilgrimage to the ashram was not tranquility, but instruction in some art, especially warfare.
Other - Non-Secular
Secular convent (Catholic). Can you join a Catholic convent as a non-Catholic? I grew up Catholic, so this was a genuine question I was asking myself while researching alternative living arrangements. The short answer: no. This Q&A is an interesting read: "Ask a Priest: Could a Non-Believer Become a Nun?" - RC Spirituality
Nuclear family w/ a forever roommate. Two asexuals play house together and make a promise to each other to stick together for life. Maybe they even get married for the tax benefits. Maybe… they even choose to adopt children and raise a family together.
Multi-generational household. A multigenerational home is a household made up of three or more generations living together under one roof. Typically, that is 2-3 related adult generations, as well as children. These homes can be very busy and have a lot of conflict, depending how much your family gets a long.
Forming a co-op for 1 part of your life. You could start by forming a cooperative group for just one part of your life. For example, you could form a dining co-op with friends who take turns cooking for one another, maybe even just once per week. Or join a community garden. If you find you like it, look for the next part of your life you can do in cooperation.
Co-op Testimonial Via Reddit:
I live in am Ecovillage now and love it, but it also makes me realize that I could have had more community in smaller forms throughout my life.
Creating a home or business. Creating something yourself testimonial Via Reddit:
I think what you would really want is something you would create. Buy a huge house and rent it out room by room to people who need housing. You care for people and certain seasons of life might share cooking - but you’d bring the community to you. You can also begin a journey by looking into serving at an ashram, or visiting a Quaker meeting and sitting in the silence. There is a lot of direction available for your longings and questions. Best to you!
I found this testimonial to be in good spirit, but pretty tone deaf. Yes, it would be wonderful to found your own community, but even if I have the time and vision, it takes a lot of capital to actually get that done. Just look at housing and land prices nowadays. In an ideal world, this would be the kind of option I would go for.
My Takeaways
Hope you found this article as interesting to read as it was to write. I like to end my articles with action items for myself. Its easy to make a list of the different ways to live but its hard to actually go out and seek them. In the conclusion section of this article I want to talk about the following:
Which community types resonated with me the most.
Which are the most socially and financially feasible for me given my current socioeconomic status.
How would I like to live in an ideal, delusional world.
Adjacent questions and topics.
Topics I would like to explore in future blog posts.
References
Is there a truly secular version of being a monk/nun? (that is NOT a cult) : r/simpleliving (reddit.com)
Nuns, non-religious millennials unite in Sisters and Seekers (detroitnews.com)
"Ask a Priest: Could a Non-Believer Become a Nun?" - RC Spirituality
Top Experimental Towns and Communities of the World (trickytravellers.com)
7 mixed-use developments that don't sacrifice housing affordability (bdcnetwork.com)
Vocabulary
Co-housing - A community where residents have their own separate houses/apartments (with their own amenities like kitchens, bathrooms, etc) with some communal shared space like large kitchens, dining areas, laundry, and recreational spaces.
Co-living - A living arrangement model where a dwelling unit is shared by three or more individuals who are not biologically related. Its like having roommates but with more intention to be cooperative.
Housing cooperatives (legal entity) - Also known as a housing co-op, a housing cooperative is a legal entity that owns real estate, including one or more residential buildings. Typically, these co-ops are owned by shareholders, but sometimes non-profit organizations. Each shareholder in the cooperative has the right to live in a specific housing unit. A key benefit of a housing cooperative is that it allows members to pool their resources, enhancing their purchasing power and ultimately reducing each member's cost related to home ownership (such as services, products, and utilities).
Collective - A collective is a group of individuals that come together, driven by at least one shared interest or goal, to work collaboratively toward a common objective. Unlike cooperatives, collectives are not necessarily centered on economic benefit.
Cooperative - A cooperative, also known as a co-op or coop, is an organization where members voluntarily unite to fulfill their shared social, cultural, and economic needs through a jointly owned and democratically controlled enterprise. All members have equal voting rights, with each person having one vote in the election of the board of directors.
Collective housing - Collective housing refers to a variety of residential structures, such as apartments, attics, duplexes, or lofts, used by a group of people who aren't necessarily related. It consists of buildings that contain individual dwellings, each occupied by a separate family or individual. The primary use of these dwellings is residential, and they feature both common areas like entrances, gardens or garages, and private areas like storage rooms.
A variety of structures, including barracks, senior homes, student residences, hotels, and even convents, can be categorized as collective housing. This is because they all house groups of people who share something in common, even if that shared component is merely access to the building.
Collective household - A group of people who live together in some kind of dwelling or residence, or in some other arrangement (e.g., sharing land). Collective households may have a specific objective, like as business, shared parenting, or another common interest, or they may not.